


First Burn

by MadameReveuse



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Family Drama, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John is alive because handwaves, John will be John, M/M, Mentions of Past Arranged Marriage, Post-Canon, brief mentions of trauma, oof this makes this sound so grimdark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-05-10 00:03:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14726147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameReveuse/pseuds/MadameReveuse
Summary: John complains to Merle about not remembering his own last name. This gives Merle an idea, and a bizarre chain of events is set into motion.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hm I should be asleep
> 
> Here's the thing tho, before heading back into the land of no wifi, I thought I'd give you a teaser of sorts of the fic I've been cooking up for you. Consider this a prologue.
> 
> This is a completed work, about 10k in all. It'll get about three or four more chapters which I think I'll be doing weekly updates bc that's the person that I choose to be. This first chapter has none of the things yet that I warn of in the tags, and I'll leave more detailed warnings in the notes of future chapters when they do crop up.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading, and I hope this'll be interesting to you and that maybe you'll leave kudos or a comment if you're liking it so far!
> 
> (Also I chose to spell Hekuba's name the way it is on the wiki. Tell me if it's more popular with a c actually)

“My memories from before the Hunger are all over the place,” John told Merle one warm, fragrant night, as they were sitting on the back porch of Merle’s beach estate, sharing a bottle of wine. “I don’t recall if I ever had any family, or what my childhood was like. I remember that at some point I had a boyfriend, but I couldn’t tell you what his name was. I remember that during my career as a motivational speaker I wrote a book, a self-help book, can you imagine? And I could tell you what the cover looked like, but not a single word of the contents. I can’t even remember my own last name.”

That last one got to Merle somehow. It seemed to be the only thing on John’s short list that had a real bitterness to it. Not remembering your own name, Merle thought. Had to be tough. Even when he’d been without a century of memories, memories of his home and his family and some of his greatest accomplishments, he’d at least had that. For a second he thought of Davenport, who had been robbed of everything but his name. Memories and memory loss seemed to be a recurring theme in all of Merle’s acquaintances.

“But memories are coming back, right?” he asked John. “You’re remembering more these days. That’s what you keep saying.”

“Some of them are. Bits and pieces.” John shrugged. “Still all over the place.”

“Well, maybe you’ll get your last name back soon.”

“Or maybe never.”

 

He ribbed John for being so negative again but this exchange stayed with Merle, and he would ponder it occasionally in the coming months, and eventually, he would offer a solution.

“So I’ve kept thinking about your whole not having a surname situation,” he said. “Still no chance of you remembering?”

“Still coming up empty,” John replied, putting down the book he'd been reading. He was curled up in his favorite reading spot, in an armchair by the window. It was a nice, simple, sun-filled domestic moment. Merle hadn't wanted anything big or flashy. It was not... how things were done in their relationship.

“But you’ve got to call yourself something, you know. So I thought, instead of waiting around endlessly for it to come back to you, I’d offer you the use of mine.”

John frowned, evidently puzzled. “What, just take… your name?”

“Well, I thought we could make it a bit more official than that,” Merle said, and that was when he got down on one knee, even though John’s long, lanky form already towered over him at the best of times, and showed him the box with the ring.

“Would you do me the honor of becoming John Highchurch, as in my legally wedded husband?”

John’s shoulders rose and fell; he was clearly totally lost. “I’m… honored, Merle, but… that is a long way to go for the sake of convenience!”

Merle sighed, feeling a smile coming on at his dork of a lover. “It’s… not meant to be for convenience,” he explained. “It’s… I tried to drop a line to be smooth, but it’s not really working out the way I pictured it would. I’m asking you to marry me because I love you and I’d love spending the rest of my life with you, and you taking my name is an added bonus, if you even want to do that, and that’s where I’m at.”

He felt a pang of nerves as he looked up at John who slowly, as if entranced, lifted a hand and put it over his mouth. “I… thanks,” he said, looking absolutely dumbstruck, the words somewhat muffled by his fingers. “I’ve never… been proposed to before, but I… that is… I can’t believe you’ve done this, I can’t believe you actually want to do this with me.”

“That a yes or no?” Merle asked.

“Oh. Yes! Certainly, if you would have me, yes.” Merle was surprised to see John welling up a bit. To see this man, his future husband, whose primary emotions seemed to be detached amusement and tired resignation, flushed and stammering and in disbelief but also incandescent with happiness… it was a sight he’d always cherish.

 

* * *

 

Merle had no self-control and dropped the happy news on the kids as soon as they got home from school. Just “John and I are getting married” when Mookie hadn’t even finished taking his jacket off.

John had spent most of the morning on his own with his emotions, as he preferred it. He would sit, for the most part, at the kitchen table or in the living room, periodically glancing down at the ring that now sat on the third finger of his left hand and smiling until Merle was sure his face hurt with the unusual strain. Occasionally he would get up and pace a bit, ambling aimlessly through the house and garden and sometimes stopping to run a hand through his hair and laugh quietly. It was perhaps the loveliest thing Merle had ever seen in his life.

John seemed to have regained his ability to participate in life like a normal person for the most part by the time Mavis and Mookie came home. He came up to say hi to them still with that slightly bemused smile on his face and in his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe getting so lucky. Merle had to admit he felt similarly, which was why he couldn’t wait to share his joy with his children, the people he loved most in all his life.

“Sweet!” Mookie said, grinning right back up at them. “But wait… what about mom?”

Mavis wasn’t smiling. If anything, she looked slightly concerned. “Yeah,” she added, fiddling with her braid, “did you and mom ever get divorced?”

Oh, shit.

“Well, baby…” Merle began, but he wasn’t looking at Mavis. He was watching the smile drip off of John’s face.

_It was nice while it lasted,_ he thought.

 

* * *

 

“I can’t believe you sometimes,” John said. They were back out on the porch, the children were busy with homework and John was inserting a cigarette into his tortoiseshell holder.

“I’m over here breathing,” Merle grumbled, only to have John round on him.

“Merle, today I was proposed to by the man—well, the dwarf I cherish most in all existence, and for approximately ninety minutes I was as happy as I’m ever going to get, only to then hear from said person’s daughter that what he did in fact do was try and rope me into bigamy, and it’s not even lunch yet. Living with you is an emotional rollercoaster. Let me smoke.”

Merle didn’t have it in him to object. “Look, I’m sorry for all that. I really thought… I mean I like to think I got the marriage annulled in spirit. If Pan had any objections, he sure hasn’t told me.”

John seemed unimpressed. “In spirit but not on paper, I’d assume.”

“I haven’t talked to Hekuba in years. I mean really talked. We exchange maybe three words when we drop off the kids. The whole thing with her is just… it’s in the past as far as I’m concerned. So when I first thought of proposing to you, it sort of… slipped my mind?”

“It slipped your mind. You bought a ring and everything and didn’t stop to think of your very real wife even once?”

“She’s… I always just think of her as my ex-wife, so…”

“I can’t believe you,” John repeated. Perhaps the worst thing was that he wasn’t even angry. He was just back to tired and resigned. The usual. Merle wouldn’t be getting that moment of happiness back unless he did something.

“I can still get it annulled now,” he mused. “I’m sure Hekuba wouldn’t make a big deal of it.”

“You’d have to ask her. As in, have a conversation. Longer than three words.”

“I can do that.” Merle felt a subtle discomfort at the thought of attempting a civil conversation with Hekuba, what with all the baggage they had between them and how utterly terrifying she could get once you got her going. But it would be worth it. They’d handle this like rational adults and he would emerge free to marry someone he actually loved. “Yeah, I can do that for sure.”

“You wouldn’t,” John said bitterly, exhaling a stream of smoke. “For what? For me? Hah.”

There it was, John’s personal raincloud pushing in front of the sun again. Any minor inconvenience and he got all doom and gloom. Merle huffed.

“Yes,” he said. “For you. I love you and I adore you and I want to ensure our shared happiness, even if it means doing things that may be a bit hard. And can you please not smoke in my direction?”

“I’ll tell you what,” John said, crushing his cigarette into an ashtray he had put out here the day Merle had put his foot down about smoking indoors, where the kids and the houseplants lived. “Let’s make a little deal. If you get your marriage annulled, I’ll try and stop smoking. Try. No guarantees. But I’ll attempt it.”

“Deal.”

“Fantastic.” John turned and made his way back inside. “I’m going to take a nap.”

“It’s noon! You’ve only been awake for three hours.”

“And now I’m tired again,” John said, seeming annoyed at having to explain that at all. “I’m tired _all_ the time. Wake me up for lunch, will you?”

“Wait. Don’t you think you’re sleeping a bit too much?”

John stopped in the doorway, turned back to Merle and rolled his eyes. “I’m _sleeping_ too much? Really, out of all the things you could complain about.”

“I’m not complaining,” Merle said. “I’m worried.”

“Worry about getting your house in order,” John snapped, closing the screen door in Merle’s face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promised weekly updates and I will deliver!!
> 
> Next week's chapter will be longer, now that I've fully finished setting up. Feel free to leave a kudos or a comment if you've got something to say! Also I honestly believe John and Brad Bradson could have something if they ever met, who's with me
> 
> We still don't have any of the angsty and/or potentially triggering shit in this chapter. As I said, I'll post a warning when it does crop up later.

The next few days were rough. John comported himself as he always did, perhaps a little more cool and distant towards Merle, but that seemed to be it. Otherwise, he went on with life like nothing unusual had occurred. He took walks on the beach and helped Mookie with his homework and honest-to-god lit up like a Candlenights tree when Mavis announced she had joined the debate team. He kept up his bitter feud with Vanetta from the PTA group. He maintained a lively correspondence with Brad Bradson of all people in which they seemed to mostly send each other motivational slogans. He didn’t even seem to want to mention his ninety minutes as Merle’s almost-husband.

But John was a master of the small but pointed passive-aggressive gesture. He had taken his engagement ring off and left it on the nightstand – on Merle’s side of the bed. Every morning when Merle woke up, it was among the first things he saw. He put up with that for about a week but then one morning he looked at the ring glinting accusingly in the sunlight and knew he had to do something. So when the time came to drop Mavis and Mookie off at Hekuba’s for a visit, he had a plan.

 

* * *

 

“Good news!” he announced, flinging the screen door open with so much verve that it slammed shut on his ass as he stepped out onto the porch where John was, again, smoking. John startled, dropped his cigarette and had to bend down to pick it up again, cursing under his breath.

“What is the news?” he asked in a bored tone when he came up again.

“I just got back from Hekuba’s!” Merle said. “She’s on board for a divorce, under one condition.”

Immediately, John’s eyes became wide and round and Merle was treated to a strange commingling of hope and utter disbelief on his fiancé’s face.

“You actually… talked to her about it?” John asked.

“Of course I talked to her about it. You know, I wish you’d believe in me even a little sometimes.”

“I do! I just… suppose it’s hard for me to believe that anyone would make the effort for, well, me. After, you know… everything that happened. Wait, what was the condition?”

“Come inside, my petal,” Merle said, stepping closer and pressing a kiss to John's mouth. “Let’s talk about that later. After we celebrate a bit, huh?”

John disengaged. He looked bewildered, but his hands naturally found Merle's and squeezed. “Celebrate?”

“Of course! We’re getting married!”

 

* * *

 

The way to John’s heart, Merle had discovered, was very much through his stomach. Being consumed by the Hunger and then ripped from it and having to learn to reuse a human body that had been dormant for eons had left John’s health in a peculiar state. Merle had seen some weird shit in all his years as a healer, but John easily made the top of the list.

John had functioned with the light of creation as sustenance for a long time, and now his organism seemed to have trouble adjusting to its absence. The endless, burning craving for it was still ingrained somehow, and his ordinary human body conceptualized it as mundane hunger. His constitution had gone all to shit, rendering him almost permanently fatigued, but his metabolism worked unnaturally fast, so much like the eldritch abomination he had once created, John was always hungry.

So Merle made dinner. He had learned to cook because of the kids, because his repertoire of three easy meals had been good enough for him in his bachelorhood, especially with a chef of Taako’s caliber around, but it was wildly insufficient for feeding a family. So he prepared a lavish dinner, even though the kids were out of the house for now, making it just the two of them, and the beach estate unnaturally quiet.

John had impeccable table manners, but for someone like Merle who knew him well, it was quite easy to see that he was restraining himself for the sake of the company from simply inhaling his food.

There were appetizers. There was pudding for dessert. There were candles on the table.

“This is not a celebration. You’re trying to butter me up for something,” John remarked, popping a dumpling into his mouth. “And oh dear, it’s working.”

“I’m not!” Merle protested. It was ridiculously transparent. He’d even bothered with recreating one of the overly complicated recipes in Taako’s cookbook.

“Are too,” John said calmly. “It’s about that condition you mentioned.”

“Alright, it is,” Merle admitted. “So. Hekuba said she’s alright with getting properly divorced, just… I told her I was planning on remarrying, and she wants to meet you before she signs the papers.”

John blinked in surprise. “Me? Why? To determine if I’m good enough for you?”

Merle laughed. “Ha! Certainly not. Now she didn’t say it to my face, but it’s about Mavie and Mookie. She wants to make sure you’re good enough for the kids.”

“I suppose that’s reasonable…” John said slowly.

“They’ve had… especially Mavis has had some bad experiences. I think Hekuba wants to make sure that her kids don’t get saddled with another deadbeat dad.”

John nodded, looking thoughtful. “I see.”

“So, can I tell her we’re coming over there?”

“Oh, _we’re_ going to _her_ place? I don’t know… is it far?” It was a reasonable concern. John didn’t leave the immediate vicinity of their estate much – not even so much for fear of recognition but because he had a very limited amount of physical strength to his name these days. Long distances were a problem.

“It’s a day’s ride, mostly along the coast. I’ll take care of everything. We’ll take it slow, you shouldn’t strain yourself.”

John took until dessert to think it over, but then he pretty abruptly put his spoon down and announced that he agreed to go. “Let’s do it.” He suddenly grinned, a fetching grin that Merle had never seen on him before. “For our marriage.”

Merle smiled back, feeling secretly relieved. For all he told John that he was worth the effort, he had some trouble internalizing that same message in regards to himself. That John was so invested in them getting married that he would go and talk to Hekuba for it… well, it meant a lot.

And what could possibly go wrong? There had been a lot of unhappiness with their arranged marriage that had turned to spite, but regardless, Hekuba was at heart a reasonable woman. They were on better terms by now. And once John got his charm kicked into gear, he was surprisingly hard to resist. They’d probably get along swimmingly and have the divorce papers signed within a day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: they get along swimmingly. haha jk did you think even for a Second they'd
> 
> We start getting into the Angst Part. Disclaimer up front: Hekuba is not the villain here!! She's a woman with some very reasonable concerns in fact, and I hope that's what I've portrayed her as, here.
> 
> I am an Advanced kind of tired after spending all day at work, so if you find any mistakes in this, that's why. Please tell me if you do find some, actually

Merle sometimes really missed the Bureau and their transportation spheres. It was tough getting used to trains and horse-drawn vehicles again.

As the earl of Bottlenose Cove he had a liveried coach, a gift from Lord Artemis Sterling that was of zero use in their little beach community and mostly sat around gathering dust. Merle hadn’t had it in him to tell the kid that he hated the thing and would never use it. But on this occasion, for John’s comfort, he was fine with rolling it out. He’d drive himself, though. The day he employed a servant would be a cold day in hell. And yes, Merle privately enjoyed acting the consummate gentleman he wasn’t and handing John into the coach, despite the height difference that made every couple activity they indulged in look slightly ridiculous.

“Won’t you get too bored back in there, petal?”

John shook his head and spread his long, ungodly legs all over the seat. "I'll just sleep."

"You still sleep too much."

John ignored that. "I’ve also got a book.” He proffered the book. “A murder mystery. And I learned from my previous experiences with those. I remember how to read them correctly now.”

“No looking at the last page to find out who the murderer is?”

John nodded sagely. “It makes for a faster solution to the crime, but somehow ruins the story.” He reached into his pocket, took out a pack of cigarettes, selected one and lit it.

“Do you have to do that in here?” Merle asked.

“No time like the present,” John said. “You winning our little bet has suddenly become realistic, so I have to smoke them all now before it’s too late.”

 

* * *

 

It was a quiet journey to Hekuba’s abode, but by the time they arrived, Merle was starting to feel unnerved with apprehension and John had the nicotine jitters.

Hekuba had moved out of their cramped little cottage into the more spacious house that had once belonged to her mother. Merle liked that just fine. He only had a few bad memories connected to this place, as opposed to the cottage that was swarming with them. Here was where he’d been press-ganged into proposing, or as it were, asking Hekuba’s father, who had been rather old-fashioned about things, for his daughter’s hand. Young Hekuba had just stood off to the side, her eyes downcast, like a piece of furniture being sold off at an auction. In hindsight, Merle felt revulsion at the whole farce. He was surprised that Hekuba could even bear living here. Sure, it was a nice, big house, situated in the center of town as opposed to directly on the beach, and she had probably wanted out of the cottage as badly as Merle himself had, but still. This place was only marginally better.

He was giving John a hand out of the coach when Hekuba came out to greet them. Merle had to admit, she was looking resplendent these days, in a gown that complimented her hair and beautiful golden jewelry. In most of the memories she featured in, she looked harried and weary and was always ready to throw out an acidic remark that was sure to hit where it hurt. Now, wonder of wonders, she was smiling. When she stepped out of her door towards Merle and said, “It’s so good to see you again,” it sounded almost genuine.

Which was a good sign.

Merle wasn’t sure how to approach her in this situation. Did he shake her hand? Hug her? How did one greet an estranged wife whom one had only recently reached something of a peace with, under the eyes of one’s new soon-to-be husband? He took her hand in his for a second for lack of any more appropriate options.

“Good to see you too, honeysuckle,” he said for old times’ sake.

“Oh, stop it, you.” She chuckled and scoffed good-naturedly at the old pet name. “You and your plant fetish. Nothing changed there, I see. I’m assuming this is the new fiancé, then? Does he have a flower nickname too?”

With that, Hekuba turned to look at John. She scrutinized him for a long, silent moment before shaking hands.

“The name’s John,” he introduced himself. “Occasionally referred to as ‘my petal’.”

“Hah.” Hekuba turned back to Merle, wearing her best poker face. “Well, he’s… human.”

“Oh, yeah, did I forget to bring that up?”

“Absolutely you did.” She motioned for them to come inside. “You’re just in time for dinner. Take care not to bump your head on the ceiling!”

In truth, the ceilings weren’t narrow at all and John had no trouble in that regard, so it had probably been a joke. Inside, Mavis and Mookie were awaiting them. They had only been separated for a week, but it became quickly apparent how much everyone had missed each other. Merle got his hugs first (an enthusiastic one from Mookie and a slightly more subdued one from Mavis), then John. Mookie immediately launched into a story of what they had gotten up to during their holiday with mom, a story which carried them a ways into dinner. Mookie and Mavis did most of the talking while Merle nodded along to their anecdotes, asked follow-up questions and laughed in the right places. Hekuba said little. Occasionally she would fix Merle or John with a long, inscrutable look. John said even less and picked at his food. Eventually, though, dinner was over and the kids were sent to their rooms. As soon as they had left, Hekuba sighed and fixed Merle with a look reminiscent of old times.

“Merle, what are you doing?” she asked sternly, her outward calm masking a storm. “What were you _thinking?”_

Merle felt something heated and uncomfortable rise within him: the need to defend himself, even when he wasn’t sure what he had even done. After all these years, she could still make him feel like that.

“What?” he asked defiantly. “Is this still about the dwarven bloodline issue or is it a Fantasy Adam and Steve thing?”

Beside him, Merle felt John put a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw John ever-so-slightly shake his head, as if telling him to let the matter drop.

Hekuba rolled her eyes. “It’s neither! You know full well I never bought into my father’s purity rhetoric, and as for the other thing, my kids have learned to get by with no dad, why wouldn’t they be fine with two. But Merle, this… this is the Hunger.”

Through his own shock, Merle heard John take a hissing breath.

Fuck.

He’d clean forgotten that everyone knew John’s face and entire history with Merle through the story and song.

Hekuba gestured a bit helplessly. “I just… what’s going on here. Is this some kind of joke? Why did you bring this… _creature_ into my house, where my children are?”

Merle felt his hands ball into fists under the table. “Not a joke,” he said. “And listen, I know more about John than any person alive and yeah, I’m gonna marry him.”

“If I sign the divorce papers,” Hekuba said, very deliberately stressing the _if_. “Look, I was more than content to let you have your freedom, but now, Merle? Now? Now that I know that you want to subject my children to the presence of that _monster?”_

Merle didn’t dare turn his head to look at John. “He isn’t a—”

“You know Mavis has nightmares, right?”

That statement was followed by a second of ringing silence.

“I do know that,” Merle said, “but what—?”

“You have no idea,” Hekuba said, “no idea what we… that day… I do appreciate what you did for us, on the day of Story and Song, and… before that too, I suppose. But you weren’t there with us that day. You have no idea what it was like for us, running from these things we couldn’t see, losing Mavis in the crowd… I only lost my grip on her hand for a second, and then I turned around and she was… gone. Did she ever tell you what that was like for her? Being attacked by these shadow things that almost killed her? Ever since that day, I hear her crying out for me, for you, for anyone to help her every night in her sleep. It’s… Mookie is so small, and he is robust, so he might forget, but Mavie… Mavie might never be the same.”

Merle cleared his throat. “Well shit, I mean, I knew she had nightmares, but not…”

“Not what they were about? I wonder why that is. I wonder why your daughter feels that she can’t go to you for help with that. Maybe, and this is just a hypothesis here, maybe it’s because you’re sharing a bed with the… _man_ who did all this to us? To the world? To _her?”_

The silence was even more deafening this time.

Eventually, after a moment (after an eternity), Merle heard a chair quietly scrape back as John stood up. Merle had rarely ever seen him so affected. His face was ashen, and his hands were trembling faintly.

“If you would excuse me.” His voice sounded strangled. “I’m going to have to go buy cigarettes.”

 

* * *

 

When John had vacated the room, Merle sighed at Hekuba. “Now look what you did.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I upset him? Did I _upset_ the bloody Hunger?”

“He’s not the Hunger now. Just John.”

“I’m sorry, Merle, but I don’t really see a difference there and I don’t really care. I’ve… listen. Please try to understand me here. I’ve been…” She delicately cleared her throat. “I’m sure the disappointments I’ve had in my life are nothing compared to a hundred years of running from the apocalypse. But—”

“Now, don’t say that—”

“In my life I’ve been let down by my parents who pawned me off to some man just like that, twice over, my first husband, and then you. The kids are all I have. It is my top priority that they are safe and happy, and your… fiancé… I don’t know what he’ll do. But I know what he has done. He’s already traumatized my daughter and I…” Hekuba sighed. “Merle, I’m sorry, but… you know, if I used this to leverage for sole custody, I’m pretty sure the courts would side with me.”

Merle blanched. His entire body seemed to turn cold. “You wouldn’t.”

“I will talk to the kids in the morning. They’re old enough to have a voice in this discussion. I… I don’t want to be the villain here. You love them, and you’re… trying with them. I know that. But I won’t see you endanger them with this new madness of yours.”

She got up from the table and Merle scrambled to follow her. “Hekuba, listen…”

“Shouldn’t you be looking for your man? Who knows what he’ll get up to out there.”

“Hah, he can’t get far. He gets about a hundred steps, then he collapses and sleeps for a day. And that’s _with_ a cane. He’s not exactly a public _menace_ now…”

“Well, tell your pet abomination if you see him that he’s allowed to stay under my roof for the night. You too. I’m not a cruel person. But in the morning… well, we’ll see.”

Merle huffed. “Well thanks, I guess.”

“And do tell him I’m asking him not to eat the place. It might be hard but I’ll be grateful if he tries.”

_That’s why I love you, honeysuckle,_ Merle thought. _Your scathing wit._

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tempestuous chapter. Some discussion of trauma, fairly superficial, but better safe than sorry eh
> 
> This week's update is a bit early bc of circumstances (I've no wifi at my apartment - AGAIN - and since I'll be at work tomorrow I'll have zero energy to go to the library and update from there). Next week might get tricky bc I'll be vacationing and have no idea if there's wifi there. That's it from me, leave a comment or press that kudos button if you enjoyed this :)

Merle left the house through the back door. There was a garden out back but they hadn’t done anything with it, so it was just lawn, a few decorative flower arrangements and a gazebo. On a hunch, Merle headed towards it. It was true that John didn’t tend to walk far on his own, especially not in an unfamiliar environment, and there was a quiet place right here for someone who might need to do some thinking.

When Merle reached the gazebo, the sun was already low in the sky. Soon it would be starting to set. Merle had always liked sunsets, before John. Now it seemed that they were the designated time for dreadful business to occur.

He found John curled up on a bench, just staring at his hands that were resting palm up in his lap. He didn’t take notice as Merle stepped in.

“Hi, petal,” Merle said softly.

“Do not call me that.” John turned his head to look at Merle, and Merle almost physically flinched from seeing so much raw despair in his face.

“Hey,” he said, trying for soothing. “So we hit a bit of a roadblock. So what? We can still try and talk her around. Tomorrow’s a new day, and—”

John huffed. “The wedding? Really? You’re still concerned with that?”

Merle raised his brows. “As opposed to…?”

“Mavis, obviously? I knew about her nightmares just like you did, but gods above, I…” He faltered and buried his face in his hands.

“Hey! Hey.” Merle took a hold of John’s wrists and gently pried his hands from his face. “You know Mavie doesn’t blame you, right? Yeah, it took her a while to warm up to you, but she’s definitely there now. Hell, she joined the debate team to impress you!”

John looked up at Merle, his eyes wide. “Me? I thought she just liked Speech and Debate, as everybody should… but what am I even saying, it doesn’t matter. She should be blaming me. I am guilty of the thing. You know that, how are you even still wanting to be around me? Not to even mention getting _married_. I emotionally scarred your daughter for life, I…”

“Shh, hey,” Merle shushed. “Look, Mavis is twelve. Kids her age often bounce back from the most astonishing—”

“That’s just not true, they don’t _bounce back_ , childhood trauma stays with you _forever_. And she’s thirteen.”

“Huh?”

“Thirteen. She hasn’t been twelve for over three months. Really, Merle, sometimes I don’t…”

“…believe you?”

“Yes. That. That’s your kid, Merle, seriously.”

“Technically, she’s my stepdaughter.”

“She’s so… _small_.” John sounded horrified. He looked down at his hands again. “They both are. And I wouldn’t have even known… I wouldn’t have even cared. I would’ve ab-absorbed…”

“Don’t even talk about that,” Merle said. “Don’t even think about that. That wasn’t really you at that point. You weren’t even in charge of the Hunger anymore.”

“And that makes a difference how exactly? The Dissat- the Hunger only ever existed because of me in the first place. It didn’t _care_ for who those people were on all those planes. _We_ didn’t… _I_ didn’t care. When I think back on before… gods, there were so many… little tiny ones there… just like…” John groaned in horror.

_Interesting_ , Merle thought. “Got to have been millions of ‘em.”

John made a sound that was somehow at once a laugh and the complete opposite of a laugh. “Try trillions for size.”

“Trillions of little Mavises and Mookies.” Merle crossed his arms. “It’s different when they have faces and names, huh.”

John buried his face in his arms again. Merle heard a muffled “God, what have I _done!”._

It was fascinating, really. When John had dropped back into Merle’s life, after the final battle, after everything, he had, of course, apologized. He had known intellectually that he had been wrong, that creating the Hunger in the first place had been wrong. But emotionally, there had seemed to be a sort of distance there. The planes that had fallen victim to the Hunger had been restored, so maybe that had helped John cope with his guilt, or at least Merle had always assumed that was the case. Now everything that John had been keeping at arm’s length was suddenly up close and personal and concerned his new family.

“I wish I’d never—” John said, then broke off.

“Hey, you aren’t getting all suicidal on me again, are you? John?”

John looked up. “Suicidal? Hah. No. This, right here, is exactly how things should be. This is the perfect punishment. For me to find a will to live, to find contentment, no scratch that, _happiness_ with people I care for, something I would’ve thought to be forever out of my reach, and then to find that I have ruined these very people’s lives with my carelessness and my hubris… and having to go on living with that… this is the kind of hell that I deserve. Nothingness, oblivion, just the end would be too great a mercy. Death, Merle? Death is too _good_ for me.”

Merle shook his head, stunned and deeply saddened. “Oh John, no… this isn’t _hell_ , calm down.”

John sighed and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “I understand why that poor woman doesn’t want me around her children.”

Merle cleared his throat. “About… that.”

“Hmm?”

“Hekuba said she might consider taking me to court.” It was hard to even get the words out when they made his chest feel so tight, like a fist crushing his lungs. “For sole custody of the kids.”

John physically recoiled. “No.”

“She didn’t say she’ll definitely do it. But she’s considering it. And her chances in court…”

“Her chances would be excellent. Yes. Her children under the custody of the literal Hunger, of course, no one wants that. You realize what you must do, right?”

Merle didn’t realize a thing. He didn’t know what to think. Did John have a solution for this? It was like a switch had flicked in him. He had gone from wallowing in his guilt to being filled with a restless, nervous energy within a second. He scrambled upright, an anxious flurry of limbs.

“I’ve got to leave,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He sounded mildly feverish. “We’ve had a good run but. This, you and me, it’s over. I’m going—”

“What? John, what the hell?”

John gripped Merle by the shoulders, demanding for him to understand. “Don’t you see, this is the only way! You’ve got to send me away, Merle. We’ve got to break up. Right now, before it’s too late.”

“Like hell I’m doing that!”

“You have to. Go back to her, tell her you thought about what she said, and that you told me to get lost, and that you’re sorry for scaring her like that. Without me in your life, you get to keep the kids around. Go do it now, and she might change her mind yet.”

“What the fuck? No!” Merle grabbed onto John’s arms, frantic and angry. “I won’t be made to choose between you and the kids!”

“Choose? There’s a _choice_ here?” John snarled. “Merle, they’re your children! I am nothing! You only just fixed things up with them, it was supposed to be your second chance at a good relationship with them, wasn’t it? You don’t throw that away for some, some monster—”

“Oh, put a cork in it! This was supposed to be our second chance too. After all we’ve been through, I can’t throw that away either. I didn’t drag you from the Hunger for this to end _here_. ‘Sides, I can’t just send you away with nothing, even if I wanted to.”

John shook his head. “They’re your _children_ ,” he repeated. “You love them more than anything else in the world.”

“I love you too!”

“Really. What about a year from now? Five, ten years from now? Keep in mind that I’ll be the reason you never get to see your children again. You’d grow to resent me for it, and you’d be right to.”

“And you think that wouldn’t happen the other way around? That I wouldn’t get pissed about losing you, about breaking us all over again, and start taking it out on Mookie and Mavie? You wanna say I’d never? Pan knows I’m no saint. I've been a crappy dad before, it could happen again. Okay so maybe I wouldn’t act on it, but the grudge would be there. And they’re smart kids, they would notice.”

John frowned. He seemed to mull it over for a minute.

“You’re right,” he then said. “You shouldn’t… you can’t be asked to make that choice. But you _are_ , so…”

He tugged the lapels of his suit jacket into place. Suddenly, he seemed calm and collected. Like a storm had passed. Like he’d made a decision.

“I know what I have to do.”

He started walking back towards the house.

“Wait. What?” Merle tried to get his bearings. He was starting to get whiplash from all these mood switches. “What do you ‘have to do’?”

“Remove the variable!” John called out to him, already from a few feet away.

Merle stood there baffled. What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

 

* * *

 

He took a moment to try and collect himself. He felt like saying a prayer, just for the comfort of it, even though he doubted that there was a lot that Pan could do here.

_Pan, my guy, it’s your buddy Merle,_ he thought quickly, folding his hands, assuming a meditative pose. _So everything is happening at once and it’s all awful, and I’m a bit of a mess, to be honest._ He couldn’t think of a better way to articulate his wildly swirling thoughts. _Lend me strength for whatever is to come, please, Pan. I think that’s all I can reasonably ask for at this point. But I’m gonna need it if I am to deal with John and the kids and Hekuba and everything and fix this, somehow._

By the time Merle got up, John had already disappeared into the house. Merle followed, avoiding the dining room and Hekuba and heading upstairs, where the bedrooms were located.

The first door from the hallway led to Mookie’s room, which was empty. It was not an uncommon occurrence – sometimes Mookie crept into bed with his sister when he couldn’t sleep. The door to Mavis’s room was ajar, and there was a light on, so Merle peered inside.

Mavis and Mookie were cuddled up together, apparently fast asleep. The warm glow of Mavis’s reading lamp illuminated the room, their sleeping faces and John. Who was standing by their bedside, looking down at them with a somber expression.

Now.

Merle loved John.

He trusted him completely.

But.

_Trillions of little Mavises and Mookies._

John sighed, bent down and brushed a strand of hair out of Mavis’s face. He tucked them both in properly and whispered something Merle couldn’t hear. He then straightened up again, stepped back from the bed and spotted Merle standing in the doorway.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, very quietly so as not to wake the kids.

“Nothing, what are _you_ doing here?” In that moment, Merle knew that he would rather be burned alive right here than to ever fess up to that split-second when his heart had stopped in his chest. When just for a moment he’d feared that John, with his cold pragmatic mind, had come to the conclusion that…

“Just saying goodnight.” John made to leave the room, but stopped to put one slender, elegant hand on Merle’s shoulder. “Don’t follow me again,” he said. “I’d like to be alone.”

He kissed Merle on the cheek and was gone.

_Bullshit,_ Merle thought. _Bull-fucking-shit. Like to be alone my ass._ He gave John a thirty second head start, then hurried down the stairs after him, so very quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Merle is doing John dirty saying he has a cold pragmatic mind. Personally I feel John is very much emotion- (and food-) motivated. The next few chapters will show yall just how deep that goes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh
> 
> So I cancelled my vacation - not in order to update this fic, but it's an added bonus. Intermission with Hekuba and the kids. See this chapter as the calm before the sizeable bomb drops.

Hekuba sat in the dining room, thinking of everything and nothing.

Mechanically, she got up and started clearing the table. There were a lot of unattended dishes waiting for her. _I need to get a maid,_ she thought. _Or just someone to keep me company when the kids are out of the house._ But no, if she got to have the kids permanently, that would be a non-issue. Then they could help her with the chores around the house. Mavis, she knew, would be a consummate little angel about it. For Mookie she would have to find some activities that were engaging to him. Mookie did some things a little differently from other children, he learned differently, he processed differently, Pan bless him.

She loved them both so much.

But Merle… Merle and his boyfriend the Hunger. Hekuba couldn’t fathom how someone could fall in love with a man who had incinerated them something over fifty times. Not to even mention all the other atrocities. Merle had always been weird about what people he gave his affections to.

She tried to remember the few moments in the Story and Song that Merle and the Hunger had featured in together. That human man she’d met today looked… at once different and not different from the one in the Story. Initially, she hadn’t even been completely sure it was the same person. Not until she’d seen the horrified looks on their faces as she’d called them out.

Sometimes she hated being right.

How long had this been allowed to go on? She wondered. How long had that man been allowed to exist in the same place as her children? Pan only knew what damage had already been done…

Did Mavis and Mookie know? Did they remember the Story and Song as well? If so, what were they thinking? How were they coping?

She heard the front door open and shut, two times in succession. So one of the men had gone out, and the other had followed. The house was now quiet.

Hekuba went up the stairs and discovered, just like Merle had, that Mookie wasn’t in his bedroom. Mavis’s door was now tightly shut, and she could hear whispering from inside. She sighed and grasped the door handle, ready to go in and reprimand the kids for being awake still at such a late hour, but something made her hesitate and strain her ears to listen to the talk inside.

“…was super weird,” she heard Mookie say.

“It kind of was,” Mavis replied.

“I don’t get why mom and everyone was so upset. What did dads do?”

_Oh boy,_ Hekuba thought as she realized that they were discussing what had happened after dinner and had probably been listening at the door the whole time, just like their mother was now listening at theirs.

“Mom’s upset about John,” Mavis said. “I guess no one told her about him and his whole… thing.”

“What thing?”

“Um, _the thing?”_ There was some quiet rustling and Hekuba could just about picture Mavis sitting up in bed and adjusting her glasses in the way she always did when she had to explain something important to her brother. “Like, you know the Hunger, right?”

“Um, yeah I do.” Mookie sounded offended about even being asked such a question. Of _course_ he remembered the Hunger, how could Mavie even assume he didn’t? He was a big kid who remembered things.

“And you know how John used to be the Hunger?”

“Sure I know _that_. Everyone knows that, right?”

“I don’t think _everyone_ does,” Mavis said quietly. “I think it’s just us and dad and Uncle Magnus and Aunt Lup and Uncle Barry and Uncle Taako and… you know. All them that know.”

“Okay but, that’s not… what I don’t get is the whole thing with… what mom said about court? And what’s sole custody?”

Mavis sighed. “Remember when we had to go to court before?”

“I remember court!” Mookie exclaimed. “They said that we get to live at dad’s house, but we can go to mom for holidays and weekends and trips and stuff.”

“Exactly, and now mom wants to change it again so that we live at her house again. All the time. And never go to dads anymore.”

“What?” Mookie said. “Never? No, that’s… no. That can’t be what that means.”

“It does too. They did it with my first dad. He’s not allowed to come see me anymore ever. That’s what ‘sole custody’ means.”

“But why would mom do that?”

“I told you, because of John. She’s… scared of him, or something.”

Mookie scoffed so loudly that his mother could hear it from all the way across the room and behind the closed door. “John’s not _scary_. He just sits and reads all day!”

“I know that. Mom doesn’t. She just met him today.”

“But what is mom scared of?” Mookie asked. “The Hunger is gone, and it’s never coming back.” He seemed to state it as an absolute truth. It left Hekuba surprised, to say the least.

Mavis seemed to think for a second. “I don’t think she’s scared of John as such. I mean she called him a monster and all those things and he was right there. I think she thinks… it’s somehow about us. Like she thinks he’s going to do something bad to us.” Her voice expressed deep-seated doubt.

“Like what, like ground us? John grounded me last week!”

“I know. It was when Tyler’s mom came and told him and dad about how you started a fight with him and broke his toy. John was absolutely in the right there. No, it’s something else bad.”

“I didn’t _mean_ to break his dumb action figure! He was being stupid about things…”

“Still. I’m sure John doesn’t want a stinky son who’s mean to other kids.”

Mookie suddenly giggled. “Remember Tyler’s mom though? What she kept calling him?”

_“Mr. Hunger.”_ Mavis giggled too, but soon got serious again. “And you know what? The thing with mom? I think it’s because… well, the Hunger was a thing that John made. Maybe mom is scared that John will make the Hunger again here.” There was some more rustling, then she added in a small, quiet voice, “The Hunger _was_ big and scary. I dream about it at night sometimes.”

“Can we talk to mom?” Mookie asked, apparently too preoccupied with his own thoughts to pay much attention to his sister’s words. “We’ve gotta talk to her, right? I don’t wanna leave home. If mom does that court thing, that means…”

“It means we’d live here again. No more dads. No more Extreme Teen Adventures.”

“No more beach!”

“There is a beach here too.”

“Ugh, it’s so far away. And it’s a dumb beach. Ours is better.” Mookie paused. “But… no more school?”

Mavis huffed a little laugh. “They have a school here, firecracker.”

“I don’t wanna go to a stupid new school! And never see my friends again? No more Rebound team?”

“No more debate team…”

“No more gushing about Bri-yo-neee…”

“I’m not gushing, dummy! Briony is just my lab partner! She’s just really nice, okay! She doesn’t even care that she’s cheer captain and I’m just… a debate team nerd. She’s nice to me anyway. She’s nice to everyone, even Siobhan, and Siobhan is _terrible_.”

“I bet you won’t ever ask her on a date. You’ll chicken out. I bet.”

“Shut up! You’re the stinkiest brother ever.” Mavis then added in what she probably thought was a very aloof and haughty voice, “Actually if you must know, I wrote her a note and it’s _very good_. I asked John to look it over for me, and he says it’s very good. I’ll give it to her and she’ll read it and she’ll go out for ice cream with me.”

“Nope, never gonna happen,” Mookie said cheerfully.

“It will too happen!”

“No it won’t, because mom will do the court thing and you’ll never ever see Briony again. Ever. In your life.”

“Stop saying that! We’ll talk to mom, and we’ll… we’ll fix this, and we can still have adventures with dad and you can go see the moonbase and the Starblaster and Uncle Lucas’s lifting mech, and we’ll go sailing with Uncle Davenport and I’ll have ice cream with Briony and I’ll write more speeches and kick butts on the debate team and John will coach me and one day I’ll do my own Fantasy Ted Talk and be just like him! That’s how it’s going to be!” Mavis sounded close to tears by now.

“Yeah but it’s not,” Mookie said. “Because mom—”

“Oh Pan, what am I going to do?” Mavis wailed. It was a tiny wail, but it was there. “I don’t know what I’d do, if I get my bad dreams…”

“Huh?” Mookie asked.

Mavis took a deep, shuddering breath. “When I get my bad dreams about, you know, the Hunger,” she explained, “I always go to John. I didn’t _tell him_ , but… I’ve just got to see him, because if he’s there, the Hunger isn’t. And it’s never ever going to come back.”

“Uh, no duh it won’t. John’s got us and dad now.”

“Yes, but if mom—”

Hekuba stepped back from the door. She had a lot more to think about now. Could she really in good conscience uproot the kids like that? They’d been through more than enough of that. Didn’t they deserve to settle somewhere? And they seemed really attached to Merle and his boyfriend the Hunger. Which certainly meant something. Especially Mavis was not the kind of child who got attached easily. Ever since Merle had left… no, ever since her biological father had abandoned her, Mavis trusted no adult in her life. But she seemed to be _admiring_ her newest stepdad. Perhaps Hekuba had to talk to Merle and his… and ‘ _John’_ some more. Only where had they disappeared to?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to see just how feelings-driven John really is. Please click on the link to the end notes for content warnings if you need that sort of thing. The last thing i want to do is trigger someone.  
> Feedback welcome! :)

It seemed to be a good day for walking, Merle presumed as he watched John from a distance. John had barely gotten winded yet. He’d stopped a few times to catch his breath, but he wasn’t leaning too heavily on his cane (a beautifully carved ebony creation that Magnus had sent over as a first, tentative peace offering). Merle wondered where the hell he was going. John had never been to this town and yet he seemed to have a certain direction in mind.

Soon the houses and streets gave way to beach. It wasn’t as picturesque a beach as the one Merle proudly called his own in Bottlenose Cove, but a beach nonetheless. It probably wasn’t far from the place Merle had been planted by Lucretia all these years back.

John had some trouble walking on the sand, he always had. He paused to slip out of his shoes and suit jacket, then he spread out his jacket on the ground and sat down on it. It looked eerily like their final parley, back on another beach that Merle, to this day, wasn’t sure had even been real. He watched John in the dusk, not sure if he should walk up to him or let him be.

Before he could reach a decision, John got up again. He put his cane aside and padded towards the shoreline.

He didn’t stop walking as water lapped at the cuffs of his pants. He trudged onward with a single-minded determination, not looking back once, and Merle only understood what was going on when he was already up to his waist in water. All he could do was stare, totally stunned, as John’s head went under. He didn’t come back up.

Now Merle understood what John had meant. _Remove the variable._ It made for smashing last words, maybe not as good as “break the bonds”, but close. That overdramatic _bastard_.

The variable wasn’t the children. It was John. John was perfectly willing to remove himself from existence again to take that dreadful choice out of Merle’s hands. To die again to ensure that Merle and his children got their happy ending.

Well. ‘Happy’.

Merle wasn’t sure he could be happy without John by his side anymore.

He broke into a sprint.

The sand made it hard for even a seasoned beach dwarf like him to race to the shoreline as fast as he wanted to. For a dreadful minute, he felt like he was lost in one of those nightmares, the ones in which you run and run but never move an inch. But then he was at the water’s edge. With no hesitation, he dove in.

At first, he didn’t spot John at all. Panic threatened to overtake him, but he shook it off and pushed on. Bold strokes through the receding water. The tide was going out, which would make things difficult, he knew that. Yet still he pursued.

Then he saw John, who wasn’t even making an attempt to stay above the water. He was letting himself sink, completely serene in his acceptance of fate. Merle reached out, grabbed him by the sleeve and started treading water with all the force he had left in him. The tide was pulling at both of them, and the weight in his arms was heavy and completely uncooperative.

_Come on, buddy,_ Merle thought desperately, gritting his teeth and struggling as he never had before to get to the surface. His lungs were starting to burn. The tide was relentless.

_Pan help me,_ Merle prayed silently even though he knew as well as anyone that the ocean wasn’t exactly Pan’s domain and he was on his own here.

Suddenly, his head broached the surface.

He gasped for air but John, who through some miracle was still conscious, started to squirm out of Merle’s grip the moment he registered what was happening. Merle could have slapped him.

“Idiot!” he shouted. “You’ll sink us both, do you want that?”

John stared at him for a second, bug-eyed, then his whole body slackened all at once. He let Merle drag him to the shore without further protest.

It was still hard. Merle had to fight the tide for every inch of progress. But then at last he dragged John onto shore and held him tight as he started coughing up water. John tried to resist one last time and they grappled a bit there on the beach, but both of them were too tired and too weak to fight now. Merle was still breathing heavily; he was getting too old for stunts like this. John trembled like a leaf, limbs splayed out helplessly on the sand.

“Should’ve… let me…” he said through intermittent coughs.

“No,” Merle wheezed, clutching his side. “You bastard, no. Thought death was too good for you.”

John spluttered some more water all over his front. “My… priorities changed.”

“Fuck that,” Merle insisted.

“Would’ve been the best…way.” John laid back on the sand, his chest heaving with the struggle to just breathe. He seemed incapable of more.

A cool breeze blew in from the ocean. _Almost night now,_ Merle remembered. _Got to get inside, warm up, get those wet clothes off… hypothermia, all that good shit._ Even now, in summer, the nights were cool here. Staying on the beach was not an option.

Merle shucked off his wet shirt. It was a start.

It got a flicker of a smile from John. “That… when…” he got out, pointing a finger.

“I know, just like when we met. We weren’t so wet then, though.” He pulled John up against him to share what body warmth they had between them. John latched onto him immediately, nestling against his side, still trembling. Merle held him, pressing kisses to his forehead, his cheek, his jaw, just awash with relief that John was with him, alive. It reminded him of after the final battle, when he’d clutched John to him just like this under the disbelieving eyes of all his friends. He hadn’t cared what anyone had thought of them back then. He didn’t care now.

“Get your shirt off, petal,” he instructed.

John laughed a bit, just like he had the first time Merle had made this particular request. “N-no.”

“You’ve got a perfectly dry jacket here. And shoes. At least put those on.”

John nodded and obliged, with some help from Merle.

“We’ve got to get back,” Merle said. “Think you can manage it?”

John gestured tiredly at his legs and shook his head. “Done walking for today.”

“Like hell you are.”

“I used up all my steps to get here! And then in the water… right here is where I’m staying.”

“Don’t bet on it,” Merle grumbled and stood up. There was a noise of protest from John as he scooped him up bridal style.

“You can’t _carry_ me!”

“I can at least get us off this beach. Got your stuff? Okay, let’s go.”

John clung to him as he objected. “Merle, this is incredibly unwise. You’ll throw out your back, Merle! Listen—”

“Shut up and hold still,” Merle grunted. “And try not to be so _long_ , okay?”

John made himself as small as possible, but it wasn’t much use. He remained a lanky human beanpole, and Merle a compact dwarf. Merle struggled across the sand, panting heavily by the time they were off the beach.

“Wait,” John said. “This is solid ground. I can try walking on my own now, let me down.”

Merle obliged. He groaned and rubbed his flesh arm with his wooden one. At least the soulwood arm didn’t ache like the other one did now. _O Pan,_ Merle thought, _thank you for helping me get my heavy-ass boyfriend off this bloody beach._

Honestly he was starting to think that this beach was cursed, or at the very least a very bad beach for him to be at.

“Are you okay?” he asked, turning to John. John was leaning on his cane, legs trembling with the effort to stay upright, but he clenched his jaw and nodded.

“As can be expected.”

“Here, lean on me.”

The walk through the quiet streets seemed one of the longest of Merle’s life. With John barely able to put a foot in front of the other and using him as a support, and with Merle himself being bone-tired, they seemed to move at a sluggish pace.

“Whatever would… people think?” John panted. “If they saw us here like this.”

“That we had a rough night out,” Merle muttered.

“So we did.” John let out a noise that might well have been a laugh, and Merle felt a sudden pang of fierce love for this idiot of his. He didn’t want to picture a future with no John in it. He didn’t want to picture a future in which their relationship failed because the matter of Merle’s children hung over their heads like a flaming raging poisoning sword of doom.

Just then, he heard hurried footsteps from across the street, coming closer to them. “There you are!” said someone.

“Hekuba?” Merle asked.

“I’ve been looking for you all over! We need to talk some more. I’ve… why are you all wet? What happened to your shirts? What have you been _doing?”_

“John drowned himself,” Merle told her.

“I did not! I _tried_ to drown myself and then _someone_ …” he glared daggers at Merle, “had to stop me.”

Hekuba was baffled. _“Why?”_

“It was the ideal solution! Merle would never have to choose between me and the kids if I was just gone! Come on, you realize it is ideal, right?”

Hekuba shook her head. “No, it’s insane. I’m… I’m sorry, this is just insane.”

John scoffed. “No one appreciates my intellect here?” He looked like he was about to pass out.

“Oh gods,” Hekuba said. “Let’s get you both inside, come on, it’s not far now.”

“I’m afraid it’s a bit slow going,” John said, indicating his legs in general.

“Oh! Here, you can lean on me if Merle needs a break.”

Hekuba, with her fresh dwarven strength, easily manhandled John over to her side. She practically dragged them both back to the house, even as she muttered grimly about them dragging all that sand in and dripping all over the furniture. Merle deposited his ass on a couch and shut his eyes, exhausted to the bone. John just sunk to the ground and stayed there while Hekuba bustled off on some mysterious business.

A few minutes passed. Merle couldn’t say how many. He could probably just doze off here…

“Are you _kidding_ me?” He was grabbed and shook by the shoulder. He opened his eyes to Hekuba’s face hovering above him. “You two will be the death of me. Get to the bathroom, now, and get those wet clothes off. I’ve drawn you a bath, now shoo! Go! Move your asses!”

“Bath singular?” John muttered from the floor. “Excuse me, ma’am, bath singular?”

Hekuba was about to answer when there was a noise up on the landing. They all glanced upward and saw Mavis and Mookie, in their pajamas, looking down at the adults with an extremely worried expression on their little faces. They had to have been roused by all the noise. God only knew how this whole scene had to look to them, Merle thought.

“Mom? Dads? Um… what is happening? Are you… okay?” Mavis asked.

“Yeah, and why are you all wet?” Mookie added. “Also, mom said _asses_.”

“Don’t ever repeat that word again,” Hekuba said sternly.

“You guys should be in bed right now,” Merle called up to them.

Mavis adjusted her glasses. “That doesn’t answer my question, dad.”

The three adults exchanged glances. “Your fathers had a little accident on the beach,” Hekuba said. “We can talk more about it tomorrow, but for now you should really go to sleep. It’s late. And you two, why aren’t you in the bathroom yet?”

Merle raised his eyebrows at John. _Your fathers?_ That was new.

“Mom, we have to talk now,” Mavis said, a barely discernable tremor in her voice. She was, probably entirely without noticing, assuming a posture Merle had taught her during an Extreme Teen Adventure: she was readying for battle.

“We know what you want to do,” she said. “We know you want to… to take us away from dads. But we… I mean, we can’t do anything about that because we’re just kids, but if you do that, I… I won’t trust you anymore like I used to. I, I just can’t.”

Mookie nodded, more solemnly than Merle had ever seen him. It caused a painful pang to happen in his heart. Beside him, John was attempting to push himself up off the floor. Merle heard him whisper Mavis’s name under his breath.

Hekuba was up the stairs in a heartbeat. She tried to put her arms around Mavis, who took a step away from her. Mookie hesitated but did the same, copying his older sister.

“Mavie, no,” Hekuba said. “Mookie, darling, no. You weren’t… supposed to hear any of that. And… I might have overreacted in the first place.”

“I think, actually—” John threw in, only for Merle to reach out with his wooden hand and push him in the shoulder.

“Not the time and place, Johnny,” he muttered.

“No one’s taking you away from anyone, okay?” Hekuba told the children. “Of course, starting tomorrow, we’re all going to have a talk together about this whole situation. But for now, everything will stay exactly as it is. You can go back to your beds and I promise you that no one will decide anything without hearing you out first.”

Mavis looked down at her feet for a minute, considering this. “That’s fair,” she said at last, stifling a yawn. “Mookie, do you think that’s fair?”

Mookie hesitated, gnawing at his lower lip. Eventually he shrugged. “I guess.”

Hekuba, looking relieved, ushered them both to their rooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for attempted suicide in this chapter. there's no blood or gore or anything but it is a lengthy affair. also drowning (almost).  
> this is what i meant by "John will be John" up in the tags. his go-to solution for life's problems is death


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this fic is now finished!!
> 
> i went and made the ending way fluffier than it was originally, bc you guys seem to like fluff and i hate concluding fics on a dumb ambiguous ending without giving everyone the catharsis they came here for. feedback welcome as always!
> 
> also i will for sure go on to do more johnmerle so you'll be seeing me in the tag, whether you want to or not, my dudes

Somehow, John and Merle made it up to the bathroom after all. A hot bath for two sounded like a wonderful, sensual experience, but in reality both participants were tired and crusted in salt and sand that was proving tricky to scrub out of every crevice. Mostly, Merle busied himself with attending to his poor, waterlogged wooden arm. They didn’t talk much. Afterwards, Merle made tea and put a swig of rum in it “to warm up” and they sipped it in silence and John finally stopped shivering. It was rather late by the time they made their way into the guest bedroom at last and pretty much collapsed into bed.

In the morning, Merle woke first, which was not at all uncommon. John seemed to have utterly exhausted himself the previous day and remained asleep almost until noon. Merle grabbed some breakfast for himself and took it back up to their room so that he could stick around and keep an eye on him. He let his thoughts drift off to this and that, trying to avoid the immediate future… or the immediate past. That John would simply drown himself in the ocean just to make Merle’s life easier… that he was still so cavalier about his own existence… it was worrisome to say the least. Whatever was he going to do about that? Would Hekuba even leave them room for a future in which he could do anything about it?

He was roused from these thoughts by voices coming from the hallway.

“And what’s that I hear about you and a boy named Tyler?” Hekuba was asking.

“He was saying mean things.” That was one of Mookie’s more petulant tones.

“What sort of things?” Hekuba asked.

“Okay so we were playing Seven Birds, right? And it was Tyler’s turn to be the Hunger, everyone knew it, we’ve been taking turns, but he started saying that he didn’t want to and then I said that’s unfair and he said that…” Mookie paused a second, probably trying to remember it right. “He said that his dad said that my dad was a pansy for not finishing off the Hunger completely, and that he – I mean the Hunger, not dad – should be locked away forever and not get to go around and talk to real people, and… but… that’s my _dad_ , well not really my dad but sorta kinda my dad, and so that’s when I kicked Tyler’s leg and broke his action figure.”

“Mookie, you never said,” came Mavis’s voice. “When Tyler’s mom was there, why didn’t you say?”

“Are you kidding?” Mookie said. “John was right _there_. He would’ve _heard_.”

Merle thought his heart would rupture any moment now with love for these children of his.

“Mom, we’re going in now,” Mavis said. “And there’s nothing you can say to stop us.”

“You can go wherever you like.” Hekuba sounded placating. “I’m not going to keep you from seeing your dad.”

“Oh yeah? That’s not what you said yesterday!” And that was Mookie again.

“Circumstances… things are different now,” Hekuba said.

“Different how?” Mavis asked. “Is this about what happened last night?”

“It… is a bit,” Hekuba attempted to explain. “But mostly… I don’t want you two to get hurt. I thought being around your dad and… that man… was going to get you hurt. But then I thought… I realized that maybe you will be just fine.”

A spark of hope began to glimmer in Merle’s chest. That didn’t sound so bad anymore…

The door opened and he heard Mookie and Mavis approaching. Mavis came and stood next to him. Mookie walked up to the bed and eyed John curiously.

“Dad?” he asked. “Is everything okay with da- with John?”

“You know, fireball, there’s still nothing wrong with calling him dad too.”

“Okay so what’s wrong with Dad Two?”

Merle smiled a bit. “Nothing, he’s just had a rough night. Better to let him sleep.” He resolved in that moment that it was best for the kids if they never knew what exactly John had gotten up to last night. It would cause them some terrible anguish, and they’d all had enough of that.

Mookie scratched his nose. “That’s boring though.”

Just then, John stirred, his eyelids fluttering. He woke up, slowly and by degrees, to his family looking down at him, something strangely expectant in their eyes, as if they were waiting for him to do a magic trick.

He only asked, “What’s going on?”

Merle took his hand and squeezed it and decided, in that moment, to fully and completely embrace hope. Merle Highchurch wasn’t made for pessimism. He had an entire fiancé who took care of that.

“You and I,” he told John, “are going to have a summer wedding.”

John smiled, but then he looked from Merle to Mookie and Mavis. His smile flickered and disappeared.

“Mavie,” he said, “I’m…”

Mavis interrupted him by reaching for his hand. “I know, dad.”

A second went by as John processed _that_ statement, then he and Mavis were hugging, tightly and with abandon.

“Group hug!” Mookie yelled in delight and launched himself at them and without hesitation, Merle followed. He wrapped his arms around his family and held them close, and he felt warm and whole and safe. Whatever the future held: these were the people he was going to face it with.

Hekuba peeked in through the half-open door and decided to leave them be. She tiptoed out into the hallway and then went downstairs. Apparently, she had some papers to sign.

 


End file.
